It Is Not Your Fault

   

    Having conquered the internet in 2017, the #metoo movement has lost its appeal in 2020 and causes only eye-rolling when brought up. Even women are sort of tired of talking about it – Harvey is in prison, mission accomplished. The first wave has been truly terrifying and has exposed a lot of ugliness in Hollywood and the corporate culture in general. The second wave has been less revealing and horrifying, focusing on “less terrible cases” like Louie C.K. He didn’t rape anyone, moreover, he asked for permission prior to pleasuring himself in front of young women. 

    So why do we, women, have this urge to justify men’s shitty behavior? You’ve done it too – your father was an asshole but you still waited for his call, visit, hug; your ex-boyfriend belittled you or exhibited aggressive behavior and you thought he must be in a bad mood or under a lot of stress. You ignore your boss’s humiliating comments on the way you look or dress, forgive your relatives for putting you on the spot with questions about your private life, marriage, or kids. We never stand up for ourselves, we always find a reason to explain people’s disgusting behavior and not to confront anyone. 

    This idiotic counterproductive lack of confrontation derives from our upbringing – girls ought to be submissive, weak, and nice. Basically, we owe something to everyone: to our parents, husbands, or boyfriends, to our kids. Due to all these stigmas and misconceptions, hundreds of thousands of women are scared to come forward and share their stories. Because you know what they’ll hear: “What were you wearing?”, “Why did you go there?”, “I don’t believe you”, “You are exaggerating.”

    Three months ago, my ex-boyfriend kicked me out of the apartment in the middle of the night. He got upset and stressed out because of the lockdown situation and economic losses he was facing, threw all my stuff into the hallway, and kicked me out. And what did I do? Nothing. I went to the hallway, collected my things, packed them into a suitcase, and left. He yelled, pushed me around, called me the worst things, and I just packed things and left. You know, what I should have done? I should have packed my things, brought them back into the apartment, and asked him to leave. But I got scared. My boyfriend, the guy who is supposed to make me feel safe, the person who is supposed to love me and care about me scared the living shit out of me. 

    But the worst thing is that I tried to justify this awful, humiliating, and totally uncalled-for thing he has done. I was trying to think of a reason for this and blaming myself. Something I thought I would never do.  

    It is not your fault. You are not alone. There are support groups and hotlines that can help you when shit really hits the fan. But please try to avoid it and leave when you see the first red flag. Don’t look for excuses to forgive him, pack your things, and leave.